I’m Not Where I Thought I Would Be
Six years ago today (April 4, 2016 ) I had my last drink of alcohol. I picked up my blue Serenity Chip at Celebrate Recovery and vowed to do whatever it took to leave my old life behind. It was a life that had brought me decades of personal destruction, painful failed relationships, bad decisions, lost opportunities and many people in and out of my life. The past six years have been a whirlwind of highs and lows, pain, happiness, growth, frustration, fear, confusion and enlightenment. While I am still free from alcohol, like most people in recovery I continuously find issues with myself that I have either overlooked, buried, allowed to continue or have been totally oblivious to. Whatever reason they all need constant attention and sometimes they sneak up from behind and knock me to my knees. Recovery is not easy. It is not for sissies. It is never ending and requires constant care. It will always remain a slippery and dangerous slope which will require never ending attention to navigate successfully. Sitting here today after all I have been through I am very thankful to be sober and alive. Although I will admit there have been more days than I am comfortable with where I have questioned if I wanted to remain active in either of those categories. But I have.
Life does not look now like I thought it would look six years ago, or even one or two years ago for that matter. I am still alone and searching for meaning in my life with great uncertainty and occasional fear about my future, what I should do, where I should go and how I should spend my time. Time which seems to be passing faster and faster. I turn 55 this summer and the reflection in my hour glass reminds me there is much more life behind me than there is ahead of me. So I want to spend it wisely.
I am a very lucky man in many ways. I have my health, a nice place to live, family, friends colleagues and a band that that I am extremely grateful for. I have a beautiful daughter that puts life in every breath I take – and I am still free of alcohol and all that it once helped me do to my life.
No, I am not where I thought I would be, not by a long shot. But I do my best to trust God, recovery and the positive voices in my head. I am not always successful but I do continue to make the effort. Day to day. Moment to moment. God grant me the serenity..
I want to thank Celebrate Recovery and everyone who has helped me to get this far in my journey.
April 4, 2016